Ford Mustang Anniversary Watch - $700

If you have over 2/3 of $1000, you know what you should do with it? Buy something that's not a car but reminds you of a car. That you had. When you had hair. And sex with poor girls.

via: coolmaterial

Bvlgari Blue Diamond Ring - £6.2M

Bvlgari is not just a collector of superfluous V's, it's also the seller of this, a "fancy" blue diamond that just went at avction for $1.8 million per carat. To put that in perspective, you would go at auction for a per carat rate of $imtoorichtocalculateit.

Why would you want to spend a grand total of about $9.6 Million on a ring? Because you want to sink a small country's GDP on something you could lose in one game of Rapid Pokey Knife Fingers. Because you're rich and you like opulent efficiency.

And if you want to buy this from the new owners, Graff Diamonds, that's your decision. As is which finger to wear it on, though might I suggest the middle finger? Because up everyone's.

ASTON MARTIN and SILVER CROSS PRAM - £2,000

I had to wait MONTHS after birth to get an Aston Martin. Same goes for my afterbirth. And even then, my parents just re-gifted my placenta a 6-year-old Vantage we got as a gag gift for my hamster. (He's a Maserati Snob)

But your little Baby Sunshine doesn't have to wait at all. This baby buggy costs more than your maid's VW Beetle, and according to the specs is "suitable from birth>. Your baby will arrive into the world in style, and his s#it won't stink, because you'll be overpowered by the scent of finished, 100% pure Alcantara® leather. Granted, he'll have no memory of owning this, living in it, literally sh!tting gold in it. But that's not what's important, is it? What's important is to instill in him, if only subconsciously, a sense of betterness.

Available at Harrods. Because of course it is.

BARTENDRO - $500-$2500

What's better than a personal bartender? NOTHING! What's better than a personal bartender that's a human? One that's a robot. That way it can love you unconditionally (so long as you give it wifi access).

These men, one a robot machinist and the other with the map from Waterworld shaved into the back of his head, have designed Bartendro - which sounds more like a comic book villain than the heaven-sent hero it really is. It's a fully automated mixologist that hooks up to your tablet or (solid gold) iPhone, which tells it to portion and dispense the wonder tonic of your choice.

They make them to order for between $500-$2500, but you can also donate to their Kickstarter to scale the business model, which I don't recommend because I only want people like us to be able to install them in our sky fortresses.

Here's their explanatory video. Have a drink now.

Assault Pipe-le - $5,000

"I want to blow my brains out," he said in a huff of self-loathing, the stink of last night's bender still hanging on his clothes like the last red leaf on the sycamores before the deadness of winter sets in, his mouth around the barrel of the shotgun, his toe searching haplessly for the trigger.

"No!" she screamed, searching her mind and the room for a solution. Then, when all hope seemed lost, she spied on the bureau her hand-blown AR-15 glass Assault Rifle Bong. "Here, Samuel. Put your lips around THIS gun, and only destroy SOME of your brain cells. It won't solve all of your problems, but it may make them go away for a while. Also, we're so fucking rich, Samuel. And, you know... the kids."

Get yours today!

MB G63 6x6. - $525,000

Few things say White Supremacist more accurately and succinctly than "Pickup Truck." So if you want to lithely belabor the point and deliver a 4 or 5 minute soliloquy from the steps of the Reichstag, sign up for the Mercedes G63 6x6. This doesn't just say "whites are awesome." It says, "Me and my pal Revived Cyborg Hitler are going to drive over the thick-browed skulls of races we hate." (Vroom vroom.) "Also, we're rich." Twin-turbocharged 5.5-litre V8 from AMG with 536bhp and 560lb ft of torque will have you shouting "Yes! Yes!" while looking like a futuristic member of the SS. They're only making a few dozen a year, so get yours before some other eugenist nabs the vehicle that will have everyone rightly hate you for reminding them what could've been if Japan hadn't awoken the sleeping giant. Price tag: $525K, ie: this house.

ncycle Electric Bike - $Thousands

nCycle: The electric bicycle former members of nSync wish they could afford.*

It used to be only Zeus could ride around on a bolt of lightning. Now, the well-to-do can do it as well. This is an electronic bicycle, and since leading lowercase e's, l's, c's, t's, r's, and o's had all been trademarked by other cutting edge hip and funky startup companies, they bring you the nCycle.

This bike looks like a version of the robot from iRobot forced to bend over and take what I give it.

nCycle has a pouch in it so you don't have to make your servant run behind you carrying souvenir copies of all the finance magazines your face is on the week. So just stuff them away, safe in the pouch between your thighs so you can come closer than ever to giving yourself oral.

Your bike locks to itself. So no one can steal it, forcing you to buy another electronic future bike. Which honestly wouldn't be that big of a problem 'cause you can totally afford it.

It also locks itself to posts. Well done bike.

Normally I'm a car guy. Not because they're way easier to use and someone else can operate it for you, but because they're expensive like things should be. HOWEVER, I'll make an exception for the nCycle, assuming the final ticket price is as high as I expect it to be.

Also, it folds. Like the boards of all those companies you Hostile Takeover-ed.

* - Clearly not talking Timbylayke.